Mr. Nicholas Kristof, of the increasingly satirizable New York Times, discourses on religion and laments the fall of Christian intellectualism and good, old-fashioned heresy:

"The faith in the Virgin Birth reflects the way American Christianity is becoming less intellectual and more mystical over time...My grandfather was fairly typical of his generation: A devout and active Presbyterian elder, he nonetheless believed firmly in evolution and regarded the Virgin Birth as a pious legend. Those kinds of mainline Christians are vanishing, replaced by evangelicals [and] the result is a gulf not only between America and the rest of the industrialized world, but a growing split at home as well. One of the most poisonous divides is the one between intellectual and religious America."

Leftist Dictator Idi Amin Dada Oumee Kicks The Oxygen Habit

Speaking from a dilapidated hut and sporting last year's fashion in nose bones, the brother of the deceased recalls his "gifted" sibling and claims his murderous regime a group hallucination concocted by his enemies. Unfortunately, the rest of his historical revisions were cut short when the reporter in question fled the dwelling because of a stench he described as "body odor that could bend a crowbar."

Robert Ostergard confidently sniffs the air and divines the now fetid scent of Tail Gunner Joe, only to end up releasing salty, protein-rich fluid from his lacrimal apparatus, contorting his facial muscles, and breaking into heaving sobs:

Ostergard said the implications arising from [Daniel] Pipes' work [regarding monitoring of Middle East studies on campuses] are far-reaching and similar to McCarthyism.

"It's chilling," Ostergard said. "This fallout is something I've never, ever expected. To actually base public criticism on one course and one speaker is really a witchhunt."

Proof positive once again that there are subversives at work in the bowels of the Republic's journals of record, this time in the graphics department of The Christian Science Monitor, conspiring to domestic terrorism via indigestion and inadvertently endorsing the three-martini breakfast.

Quote of the day:

“I want this world not to have meaning, because it frees me to my own erotic and my own political pursuits.” – Aldous Huxley